hey stuff like this is actually really like. borderline manipulative and it’s one thing to just have thoughts like “oh everyone gets tired of me and leaves and i wish they didn’t” but if you say things like this to friends especially if you’re in really serious relationships where one of you is being supported by the other (even if it’s mutual) that can be really manipulative and make people feel obligated to be your friend and not leave you and make promises they don’t want to and can’t keep and can be really really unhealthy for both of you
like i understand feeling sad when friendships end but emotionally manipulating people into relationships is REALLY not cool even if you don’t realize you’re doing it, and it’s not just this post, there’s this whole mentality of like, co-dependent relationships are the MOST MEANINGFUL relationships and you have to be close FOREVER or it’s not real or whatever and that’s really unhealthy and toxic like please don’t
everyone has the right to end friendships and leave relationships whether it’s a conscious decision or happens naturally over time. relationships end. let it happen, get over it. please don’t depend on people because they are also people like you who need to have the autonomy to get out of bad situations or on a less serious level just do whatever the fuck they want with their lives
your friends might make you feel special and less alone but they don’t EXIST SOLELY FOR THAT PURPOSE and they don’t owe it to you to stick with you forever, especially if you try to make them feel like they do
the two viewpoints aren’t mutually exclusive, i think.
the ‘please don’t get tired of me’ post IS emotionally manipulative. it frames the situation in a skewed, catastrophizing way. as a person who tends to keep all but my closest two or three friends at arm’s length, i have been accused of getting ‘tired of’ or ‘bored with’ people who wanted more contact than i could comfortably provide, and it hurts. the problem’s not boredom. the problem is there’s only so much of me to go around.
but that doesn’t mean fear of abandonment (and even clinginess) are somehow morally wrong, or that it’s not okay to vent. and it doesn’t mean that everyone who’s had friends bail is at fault for it. in fact, talking about ‘fault’ is pretty misleading.
not everyone is compatible. i’m with tatters re taking ‘don’t leave me’ talk as a warning sign that i’m not going to be compatible with that person. when i make an acquaintance, and within a few days (or even hours in some cases) they’re telling me their deepest feels, and acting hurt when i have to go do something else, and generally treating me like their bestie, i run for the hills. because that’s just not a type of friendship i can sustain.
it doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. and i certainly wouldn’t want them to be dishonest about it, to fake being casual when they’re secretly hurt that i won’t talk all night, because that’s a really terrible foundation for a friendship.
really, i think there needs to be a third option on the table. i’m just not precisely sure what it is. :/
Sentiments like this are scary, clingy, annoying and a grab (however desperate and well-intentioned) for control. We all have fear of rejection, but part of being a good friend is learning the boundary between what we need, and other people’s limitations.
"It happens every time" is a dealbreaker for me, and a self-fulfilling prophecy for the person who says it. It’s like telling your partner on a first date that you’ve been dumped fifty-six times, and that you just know they’ll be fifty-seven, then giving them hungry accusing eyes through the entire date. Like I’m going to ask what you like about your classwork with that bitterness hanging over me! Challenging #57 to be different does you no good when what they are probably thinking is that fifty-six people in a row is a pretty good sample size for the “is this person ready for a relationship?” poll.
Needy people reduce relationship to obligation, crush the spontaneity and fun out, hold an invisible gun to their own head. They might pull the trigger if you so much as disagree about whether a movie was good or not, for all you know, and this kind of thought-training is not an accident. When people start out a relationship by saying this stuff, that’s their mission statement you’re hearing. Listen. Even though they’re are not talking to you, but to themselves, and that you might as well not even be there at all for all your actual thoughts matter. I listen when I hear stuff like the OP, and then I take the warning and I vanish—just like they thought I would.
The problem is not me running way. The problem is my presence being someone else’s emotional currency, without them giving me any time to get to know them and find good things about that person that will make me stick around. And there are good things about these people, which others would find out more about if we hadn’t been driven away by someone wailing on our boundaries with a baseball bat.
Don’t let the lonely romanticism of being ~mysteriously unlovable~ blow smoke up your ass and trick you into thinking you have no control over how other people treat you. You have not been victimized by fate. If the problem isn’t your frantic scrambling to avoid abandonment, it’s almost certainly something else about your behavior that just bugs folks. Do you annoy people? Do you exhaust them? Are you demanding, rude, dismissive? If so, that’s good news, because you can work on that. Boring, honest work that means stripping away your illusions about yourself, learning to listen to other people and hear their input as valuable even if it’s humbling. If you were already being honest about this, you would not be at the mercy of an apparently mystical plague of rejections.
This “everything is doomed and no one will ever love me" attitude is toxic. Kill your self-hate instead, kill your passive victimhood, and when the public self-flagellation stops, other people might finally be able to see the things about you that are awesome.
I think you’re making a pretty big assumption that it’s the goal of the speaker not to be left. (Which, I suppose is correct if the text contains the words “Please don’t leave me.” but shouldn’t be assumed without clarification from “Everyone leaves eventually.”) Contrary to popular opinion, not everyone needs or seeks a permanent committed life partner with whom to share everything ‘til death do us part. It is possible to just enjoy people while they are there, and not be too much bothered about knowing that it won’t last forever. (And also not make unrealistic commitments under the assumption that it will last forever, because realistically it won’t.)